All posts by Superglue

Characters I Hate In Movies I Love: Beauty and the Beast

Oh hi there!  Sorry I’ve been entirely absent from MOBFD for months and months and months (so absent, in fact, that I didn’t even make the staff photo, which I’m not bitter at all about, no sir, not one bit).  But now I’m back with another installment of Characters I Hate In Movies I Love, Beauty and the Beast edition.

There is so much to love in Beauty and the Beast, starting with the opening number and ending with every single scene with Gaston in it.  But you know what I don’t love?  This bitch:

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Pigeons

Hello friends! Let’s get right into it. Pigeons are weird. They’re slow and dull and they get in the way and, considering they are birds, they really stink. Like they smell bad. It’s weird.

I guess pigeons can be useful and smart and whatever, like pretty much any other animal that someone would spend years training (check out my weather predicting snail!). But did you know that pigeons can also be leggy?

According to the National Pigeon Association, pigeons can be all sorts of fucked up shapes! More shapes!


Dignified/haughty.


Heart shaped.


Top heavy.


Mane pattern baldness.


Pigeon lump.

This is all I have time to post right now but you should seriously go check out all the weirdo pigeons on the NPA’s website. And if you are a pigeoner, link some pictures of your pigeons in the comments!

I’d Knit That: Adorable Star Wars

For this feature, I will explore different movie/tv/webjunk items that I would knit.

Well, good morning! Are you all feeling bright eyed and bushy tailed? Are your fingers nice and limber? Good! Let’s get to it. We’re all nerds, here, right? I just want to go ahead and get that out of the way at the onset so that some jocks or preps don’t feel like they’re in over their heads. “I’d Knit That” is inherently a nerdy feature, if only because the people who are writing the patterns for movie/tv/webjunk items are nerds in the most earnest (and best) sense of the word. Anyone who is willing to watch something with such an eye for detail and then create something from that (something that is, essentially, just using geometry to tie an elaborate knot) is a-okay in my book. I know I already kind of went over this in the Harry Potter post, but it seriously never ceases to amaze me.

So this week I am going to be covering the adorable Star Wars knits that are on ravelry.com. Star Wars nerds are a very particular brand of nerds, and Star Wars has cross-generational appeal which makes it perfect for adults who want to knit something for a kid that they both will enjoy. Adult nerds LOVE dressing their little bourgeoning child nerds in costume. Is that a fair generalization? Maybe not. Anyway it doesn’t matter, because look at how adorable this is!

Felted baby Yoda hat! Even if you have never seen Star Wars in your life or even if you didn’t know who Yoda was, if you saw a baby in this hat you would immediately die because of how cute it is. You would stone cold die.


Admiral Akbar knit sock monkey! I’ve been too scared to really get too into any 3-dimensional knit toys, but this guy is just too awesome. Is it a trap? I don’t even know. Maybe you could knit some sort of Chinese finger trap into it and make it one! Email me for some more booby trap ideas.


Princess Leia hat! And one of the most hilarious photoshop jobs I’ve ever seen. It’s perfect. I wouldn’t change a thing. But really, a tiny baby in a Princess Leia hat is almost as cute as a tiny baby in a felted Yoda hat, but if you want to get all gender-normative about it, I guess it’s good to have an option for girls.

I’d knit them all! Next time, I’ll likely go on the hunt for Star Trek patterns. Fair and Balanced knitting pattern coverage. You can expect nothing less from me.

I’d Knit That: Harry Potter

For this feature, I will explore different movie/tv/webjunk items that I would knit. Do you want excellent ideas for something to write for MOBFD? Come to chat. It’s a damn good idea factory in there that is running 24 hours a day.

Have any of you guys seen Harry Potter? I know it’s kind of obscure, but it’s this whole series of movies that follows a gang of young witches and warlocks as they have hijinks at a boarding school (basically). Since nerds will be nerds, some knitting nerds have reverse engineered every single knit thing and even created knit versions of non-knit thing ever seen in any of the 7.5 HP movies.

But guess what? Some of that junk is cool as hell. Like not even cool in a “Uhhhhh, cool, you knit some Every Flavour Beans” way, but in an actual cool way. So I went to Becca’s mom’s favorite knitting social network, ravelry.com to see what I could find that I would knit. Here are some pictures! (If you are a knitter and a nerd, you can click on the photos for links to the patterns.)

Ron’s sweater. It is awesome. His mom knit one for him and one for Harry. I don’t get why anyone would think this sweater is crappy. Do you know how long it takes to knit a sweater? I mean, I’m not a witch, but I’ve only knit one sweater and that shit took like a month of doing nothing in my spare time but knitting. At least fake gratitude.


A screaming mandrake root. It is sweet and it will explode your head. Don’t even try to hate it. You wish you had one. Make it yourself.

Hermione’s hat. It’s just a cool hat. I’d wear it. Of course, someone wrote the pattern for it. I’m going to knit that!

Characters I Hate In Movies I Love: Jurassic Park

(In this feature I will discuss characters I can’t stand – justifiably or not – in classic or personal favorite movies. Mostly these aren’t the characters you’re supposed to hate, like villains or romantic rivals, but rather characters that offend me personally.)

Jurassic Park is in my top three movies of all time. It’s perfect. I don’t care if you hate it, or are sick of it, or think the science is wrong, or have any sort of bullshit hangup about it. It is a perfect movie. Those dinosaur robots and/or cartoons are perfect. Mr. DNA’s pronunciation of “dah-noh-sawers” is perfect. Everything in this movie is perfect except for one thing: Lex Murphy. SHUT UP, LEXI! This bitch.

Now, this one might be a little controversial. I know when most monster-men were young, she was some sort of crush object. I get it – she’s spunky, adventurous, cute – but I completely disagree. I thought that I would watch the movie again to see if I would like her any more now, but that’s not necessary. I’ve seen this movie 100000 times and hated her every single time, so I doubt my opinion will change. What’s the reason for my hatred of a little girl in a movie about cloned dah-noh-sawers? The noise. She is constantly making the most irritating noises. She almost gets them all killed by the T. Rex because she can’t follow directions. She’s lucky that Tyrannosaurs are apparently way more motivated to kill by the smell of shit in a straw outhouse than by an irritating little girl’s screams.

Maybe it’s just me. Maybe it’s the fact that I live in a town sometimes overrun with overexcited sorority sisters, but honestly. Just shut up. Shut up for one minute and maybe try not to get everyone killed. If you must scream (I do realize it’s scary), scream in a lower pitch at least. Piss yourself like your brother. He was cool. That dude got trapped under a car in a tree that was collapsing and he was cool. Take notes. Pay attention. Maybe don’t ever ride a roller coaster because you will make everyone else on that roller coaster explode like some sort of militarized audio assault weapon.

Monsters. Totally in control of thisismynightmare? Yes.

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Ummm … you guys. I think you should see this. I’m really worried. I woke up this morning to someone furiously ringing my doorbell. I got really freaked out (was a neighbor being murdered???) so I ran to answer the door. When I opened it, nobody was there. I immediately thought, “Who on earth would ding dong ditch me at 7am on a Saturday? There are some assholes afoot today.” But when I looked down, I saw something … alarming.

On my doorstep was a package. But it wasn’t a normal good times package. It was the size and shape of a football and seemed to be made of lunch meat and twine. The outermost layer was unnervingly rare roast beef. I peeled it off one slice at a time and tossed it aside. Under at least 6 ounces of that was a layer of honey roasted ham, followed by smoked turkey, followed by really thinly sliced roast chicken (the worst lunch meat).

The package in my hand got smaller and the pile of discarded lunchmeat at my feet got larger. What seemed like the core of this whole thing was a dozen or so slices of very crispy bacon. “How did this bacon stay so crisp in the midst of all this lunch meat?,” I thought. Despite the fact that it was bacon in the middle of a football-sized package of lunch meat that was abandoned on my doorstep, it smelled really good so I ate a few slices. As I ate my way through the bacon, though, something emerged. With growing horror I realized it was a .wmv and as I continued to eat the bacon, its terrifying contents revealed themselves:

A Working Monster’s Guide to Brief Procrastination

Like most great ideas, this one was born out of a conversation with ThisIsMyNightmare and LilBobbyTables in chat. We all work full time during the day and occasionally encounter work-related things we don’t want to do. Here is a list of methods by which a working monster can procrastinate doing unpleasant work tasks while still looking productive:

  • Check Videogum, but be sure to have your work email open in another window and ready to toggle (it is a good idea to have a half-written email open) in case of nosy coworkers. Read Videogum articles and comments with half-squinted eyes as though you are reading something work related. Sometimes roll your eyes. When commenting, be sure to keep an eye out. If someone walks behind you, toggle to the half-finished email you have open and pretend you have been writing that.
  • Drink lots of water and pee a lot. This might not work if you work for one of those fascist companies that monitors bathroom hours, but for the rest of us it’s a great way to step away from the desk for a moment and mutter cusses about coworkers under our breath while we’re on the pot.
  • Go on coffee runs at weird hours. Go at like 2:30 in the afternoon after you’ve already been on your lunch break. Make sure you offer to pick up coffee for your coworkers if they want any (but nobody will because it’s the middle of the afternoon) so they don’t get mad at you for leaving.

Here are some ideas for two minute breathers that you can do at your desk:

  • Apply hand cream slowly and deliberately.
  • Make a cup of hot cocoa, tea, emergen-c or something that requires more involvement than just water.
  • Arrange loose papers into stacks on the desk.
  • Refill the paper clip container, stapler or tape dispenser.
  • Apply eye drops.
  • Do some squats, crunches or push-ups (particularly good if you work in an office by yourself).
  • Do neck, shoulder and arm stretches.
  • Gossip with a coworker.

Do you have particular favorite time-wasters for work? They can be brief or extensive, at the desk or away. Whatever works for you!

Characters I Hate In Movies I Love: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

(In this feature I will discuss characters I can’t stand – justifiably or not – in classic or personal favorite movies. Mostly these aren’t the characters you’re supposed to hate, like villains or romantic rivals, but rather characters that offend me personally.)

Ugh. You know who I hate? Casey Jones! Don’t get me wrong, there are lot of really hateable characters in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)Raphael (blugh, go to your room) and Danny (stop being a turd) – but Casey Jones takes the cake. What an idiot! What an asshole! This bitch.


We’ve all seen the movie, right? If not, go watch it and then come back. You need to trust me when I say I know what I’m talking about on this. TMNT (1990) was one of maybe four VHS tapes I had so I watched it probably at least once a month between the ages of 8 and 14. I hit puberty to this movie. I got into college on the heels of an essay I wrote about how I’m like April O’Neil in this movie. I’m a total TMNT (1990)-head.
So first off, Casey Jones is stupid. He’s just a stupid idiot with some stupid muscles. He’s also a chauvinist and borderline date rapist. He’s also just not hot at all (sorry ladies who love Casey Jones – I just don’t see it) and he looks like he stinks like old potatoes. April O’Neil could’ve done so much better.
I don’t understand how we’re supposed to root for Casey Jones. The first time we meet him he’s trying to bash some kids’ heads in with a baseball bat while making awful baseball puns. Then later he just kind of rolls uninvited into the antiques store while it’s burning down and just hitches a ride to the country with April and the turtles. Who the hell asked him to come? Then the whole time they’re in the country he’s just being all greasy and trying to get in April’s pants in the worst way possible. He’s not even nice. At one point he forces her into a chair and holds her down while he rubs her shoulders. Two things on this: 1) Ew, and 2) Inappropriate! She didn’t ask for that. And his use of excessive force was more than a little off putting. He isn’t a nice guy and he never turns nice. He’s a selfish, stupid, weak man who makes some of the worst sports puns in the whole world.
And then for some reason I can never figure out, April ends up kissing him. (April! Get your head in the game! If you even met one other man in the whole world there’s an 85% chance he’d be better than Casey Jones.) Facetaco and I were discussing this briefly in chat and I said that I’d prefer that she hooked up with Raphael. The taco wasn’t really on my side with that one, but I stand firm. I would rather April O’Neil committed bestiality with a neuter mutant turtle than fuck Casey Jones and that’s that. I rest my case.
The end,
Superglue