Archive for February, 2011

I’d Knit That: Harry Potter

For this feature, I will explore different movie/tv/webjunk items that I would knit. Do you want excellent ideas for something to write for MOBFD? Come to chat. It’s a damn good idea factory in there that is running 24 hours a day.

Have any of you guys seen Harry Potter? I know it’s kind of obscure, but it’s this whole series of movies that follows a gang of young witches and warlocks as they have hijinks at a boarding school (basically). Since nerds will be nerds, some knitting nerds have reverse engineered every single knit thing and even created knit versions of non-knit thing ever seen in any of the 7.5 HP movies.

But guess what? Some of that junk is cool as hell. Like not even cool in a “Uhhhhh, cool, you knit some Every Flavour Beans” way, but in an actual cool way. So I went to Becca’s mom’s favorite knitting social network, ravelry.com to see what I could find that I would knit. Here are some pictures! (If you are a knitter and a nerd, you can click on the photos for links to the patterns.)

Ron’s sweater. It is awesome. His mom knit one for him and one for Harry. I don’t get why anyone would think this sweater is crappy. Do you know how long it takes to knit a sweater? I mean, I’m not a witch, but I’ve only knit one sweater and that shit took like a month of doing nothing in my spare time but knitting. At least fake gratitude.


A screaming mandrake root. It is sweet and it will explode your head. Don’t even try to hate it. You wish you had one. Make it yourself.

Hermione’s hat. It’s just a cool hat. I’d wear it. Of course, someone wrote the pattern for it. I’m going to knit that!

R.I.P. Your Productivity: The Post That Launched A Thousand Unemployments

 Hello everybody! Welcome to the first official post of R.I.P. Your Productivity (see first semi-official post here). I am going to make sure that you never work again (Note: this is a lie) by providing you with entertainment, information and other bitlets. Let’s do it (TWSS)!

FOR YOUR BRAIN (ELEPHANTINE EDITION)

Elephant Quest
The newest game in the ridiculously long elephant series (there are a few more games but they aren’t as good). While technically, these aren’t really part of a “series” (not including the direct sequels), they all contain the same elephant hero so good enough for me. I picked Elephant Quest as the main game because a) it is new and b) OMG ADORBZ! All these should keep you busy for a while so I will move on now (I am Mayor of Segueville. Can you tell?).

FOR YOUR EARS
The songs I have chosen this week all have a theme in that they all have absolutely cramazing videos.The songs are all great and Me approved but do yourself a favour and don’t watch them in teeny, tiny squint-o-vision.

Esben and the Witch – Marching Song
A little warning: this video is, as I said before, fantastic. It is very simple and creepy and it sets the mood really well. However, it is a pretty rough watch and if you are easily upset DO NOT WATCH IT. There is no violence in it but there is some blood so I can’t say whether it is NSFW or not. If you don’t mind any of this though, watch it! It’s so good!

 Baths – Lovely Bloodflow
This video is just plain pretty and has some of my favourite use of colour I’ve ever seen in a music video. The album Cerulean is out now and is super good. One of my favourites in 2010.

15 to 20 – The Phenomenal Handclap Band 
An extremely slick and stylish video that appears to pay tribute to 70s heist or getaway films (I wouldn’t know, I wasn’t alive back then). Whoops, I meant to write FART BARF UGH.

FOR YOUR EYES

This is extremely untimely and I would not be surprised if everyone has already seen this but it is hilarious!

Oh no, we are all dead from cuteness. Hi Angels!

So that’s all for now. Tell me how I did or any ideas you have to make this column better in the comments.

And, as always, R.I.P. your productivity.

Note: Please don’t get fired because of this. I’m serious. That would be terrible.

Godsauce Alters Today’s Family Circus

MONSTER FANTASY BASEBALL LEAGUE

Do you like Baseball?!? Do you have FANTASIES?!??
“I like baseball, AND I have fantasies!” -everyone
Good news!
Introducing the first ever Monster Fantasy Baseball League!
Here are the deetz: Right now there are 10 teams. If need be I can increase that number to 20. If you would be interested in joining, or have any questions about the league, please send an email to mfburghoff@gmail.com and I will send you an invite. This is a first come first serve basis so get on it! Also, this is a FREE league!! Overall this should be a lot of fun. Who doesn’t like a little friendly competition?
P.S. You are all going down.
P.S.S.

Just the Tip- Star Studded

Hello again, It’s time for (the elusive) Just the Tip.

This video has so many stars, so many heavy hitters promoting some rando local morning news show, I just can’t deal. In the spirit of the Oscars, I bring you:

Remember, don’t let those unposted videgum tips go to waste. Send them to me.

Hater’s Guide to the 83rd Academy Awards

Tonight, as you may be aware, the 83rd Academy Awardsceremony will be taking place in Hollywood, California. The Academy Awards,commonly referred to as “The Oscars,” are sort of like the Grammys but formovies. Every year a bunch of celebrities and industry types dress up in rentedclothing and jewelry #literally chosen for them by Rachael Zoe, sit in a largeauditorium, and masturbate their egos for 12 to 18 hours. Every couple of hourssomeone is given an award for excellence or other favorable trait then they godo something fancy afterward. It is a very exciting time! Millions of uninterestingpeople who live their lives vicariously through celebrities will be watching soyou probably should too in order to keep your water cooler banter sharp thisweek.
There really isn’t even one aspect of this thing NOT tohate. Since you likely need no help, I present here only a very small fractionof the reasons you’ll be hate watching.

The Red Carpet Coverage:I usually don’t like to make grandiose generalizations about theshortcomings of American society; I love to make them. Our obsession with wholooks hot or fug on their way into an auditorium though a corridor of bleachersfilled with screaming fans is basically why there are dudes in other countriestrying to blow our asses up. Thank you, Academy Awards.
The Presenters: ThisFranco/Hathaway paring is rather bizarre to me. Are they trying to skew young?Does everyone owe James Franco a favor? Anne Hathaway is funny? The numbersjust don’t add up. Plus, Franco is nominated for one of the top awards of thenight. Is he going to sneak into the crowd and take a seat for his category?Seems like a logistical nightmare.

Best Picture: Ihave only seen six Best Picture noms. That is like maybe half. I dunno, I lostcount because every fucking movie is nominated nowadays. Wait, what? No lovefor Yogi Bear in 3D? What a rip, my mom said Justin Timberlake was delightful!

127 Hours: Any film with the tagline “A Triumphant True Story” is bullshit. Danny Boyle is bullshit. The term “canyoneering” is bullshit. 

Black Swan: Only thing I remember about this movie is all the gross fingernail shots. Oh, and the trite plot.

The Fighter: Mark Wahlberg.

Inception: Everyone that watches this goes all pseudo-intellectual for like three days. I suppose that is an indictment of everyone and not necessarily of the film but I still blame it. My totem while navigating these conversations is a cyanide pill.

The Kids Are All Right: Celebrating a movie about a non-traditional family does not make you a better person. It only makes you a smug asshole person for thinking that.

The King’s Speech: Fa-f-f-f-fa-f-fucking b-b-ba-ba-b-b-boring. Also, How terrible was Timothy Spall is in this movie? He is so cartoonish and hacky it is unbelievable. Stupid ass Wormtail always be makin’ things worse.

The Social Network: Couldn’t care less whether or not Mark Zuckerberg stole Facebook. I don’t like Facebook. I don’t like rich people. I don’t like nerds. This movie was clearly not made with me in mind, very inconsiderate.

Toy Story 3: This is a children’s movie. Grow up!

True Grit: Unrealistically precocious youths are just unbearable. Do adults actually relate to these characters? I guess the stupid ones maybe.

Winter’s Bone: I do not even know one thing about this film but I am confident it has a lot less dicks in it than the title implies.

Best Director: “Thisfilm’s success is due to the hard work and dedication of hundreds of people andmillions if not tens of millions of dollars in financial backing but I’mtotally okay with taking all the credit.” – Theoretically great acceptance speechbone of these guys will say.
Darren Aronofsky: I get it; you like to use tight shots of people’sgross bodies. I’m pretty sure the next Wolverine film is going to just be twohours of skin peeling and ripping then healing.
Coen Brothers: Look, I’ll admit it, these dudes are kind of hard tohate on. That doesn’t mean I can’t question why it’s fair for a movie directedby twice as many people as its competitors to be nominated for the same award.That’s some BS.
David Fincher: Every frat bro’s fav director. Chug a BEAST if he wins.
Tom Hooper: Don’t know much about this dude. Only other things ofhis I’ve seen are John Adams and thatmovie about Brian Clough’s ugly suits. They were also quite a bore.
David O. Russell: I Huckabees (see also: Mark Wahlberg).
Best Actor/Actress,Best Supporting Actor/Actress: Here are my predictions. Colin Firth and hisnew botox face win Best Actor. Annette Benning wins Best Actress and makes atiresome political statement. Christian Bale wins Supporting Actor and 75% ofAmerican viewers say, “I didn’t know he was from England.” Helena Bonham Carterwins Supporting Actress and is whimsical.
Best Writing –Original Screenplay/Adapted Screenplay: These two awards kind of excite me becauseI hold out hope that one day the winners of Original Screenplay will start shitwith the winners of Adapted Screenplay. I mean, I totally would! Those unoriginallosers had source material!
Best AnimatedFeature: This category might actually be more
Best Foreign LanguageFilm: This category should be sponsored by Netflix because the winner willbe in everyone’s queue by 10:30 a.m. Monday.
Best Documentary –Feature, Best Documentary – Short Subject, Best Live Action Short Film, BestAnimated Short Film, Best Sound Editing, Best Sound Mixing, Best Art Direction,Best Cinematography, Best Makeup, Best Costume Design, Best Film Editing, BestVisual Effects:
Shut up, nerds!
Gwyneth Paltrow isperforming: Gwyneth Paltrow is performing.
Hope you don’t enjoy the show! If you have beef, let me knowwith a comment, an email to wwwestis@gmail.com, or a tweet @_wwwest.

I Like Music: My Friend Wallis

Hi everyone! As you can tell by the title of this post, I like music, and I’m assuming you guys do as well. So, if I find a new band during my vast e-travels that I think you might like, I’ll share it with you! Now doesn’t that sound nice.So anyways, My Friend Wallis. For my first post (GEEZ THIS IS MORE PRESSURE THAN I THOUGHT), I thought it would be good to start with a band from my hometown (sort of), good old Victoria. This band makes upbeat, energetic dream pop with a definite summery (word?) feel to it. For example:
That’s all for now. Thanks for joining me in this weird, kinda awkward mess. See you next time!P.S.: Support your fellow VGers and check out Andy’s Tea Party, featuring commenter The Wurst, and Dogs on Tour, with commenter Faviator. And while you’re at it, why not check out my older brother’s band The Accidentz. Thank you so much!

Godsauce Alters Today’s Family Circus