Archive for February, 2011

I’d Knit That: Harry Potter

For this feature, I will explore different movie/tv/webjunk items that I would knit. Do you want excellent ideas for something to write for MOBFD? Come to chat. It’s a damn good idea factory in there that is running 24 hours a day.

Have any of you guys seen Harry Potter? I know it’s kind of obscure, but it’s this whole series of movies that follows a gang of young witches and warlocks as they have hijinks at a boarding school (basically). Since nerds will be nerds, some knitting nerds have reverse engineered every single knit thing and even created knit versions of non-knit thing ever seen in any of the 7.5 HP movies.

But guess what? Some of that junk is cool as hell. Like not even cool in a “Uhhhhh, cool, you knit some Every Flavour Beans” way, but in an actual cool way. So I went to Becca’s mom’s favorite knitting social network, ravelry.com to see what I could find that I would knit. Here are some pictures! (If you are a knitter and a nerd, you can click on the photos for links to the patterns.)

Ron’s sweater. It is awesome. His mom knit one for him and one for Harry. I don’t get why anyone would think this sweater is crappy. Do you know how long it takes to knit a sweater? I mean, I’m not a witch, but I’ve only knit one sweater and that shit took like a month of doing nothing in my spare time but knitting. At least fake gratitude.


A screaming mandrake root. It is sweet and it will explode your head. Don’t even try to hate it. You wish you had one. Make it yourself.

Hermione’s hat. It’s just a cool hat. I’d wear it. Of course, someone wrote the pattern for it. I’m going to knit that!

R.I.P. Your Productivity: The Post That Launched A Thousand Unemployments

 Hello everybody! Welcome to the first official post of R.I.P. Your Productivity (see first semi-official post here). I am going to make sure that you never work again (Note: this is a lie) by providing you with entertainment, information and other bitlets. Let’s do it (TWSS)!

FOR YOUR BRAIN (ELEPHANTINE EDITION)

Elephant Quest
The newest game in the ridiculously long elephant series (there are a few more games but they aren’t as good). While technically, these aren’t really part of a “series” (not including the direct sequels), they all contain the same elephant hero so good enough for me. I picked Elephant Quest as the main game because a) it is new and b) OMG ADORBZ! All these should keep you busy for a while so I will move on now (I am Mayor of Segueville. Can you tell?).

FOR YOUR EARS
The songs I have chosen this week all have a theme in that they all have absolutely cramazing videos.The songs are all great and Me approved but do yourself a favour and don’t watch them in teeny, tiny squint-o-vision.

Esben and the Witch – Marching Song
A little warning: this video is, as I said before, fantastic. It is very simple and creepy and it sets the mood really well. However, it is a pretty rough watch and if you are easily upset DO NOT WATCH IT. There is no violence in it but there is some blood so I can’t say whether it is NSFW or not. If you don’t mind any of this though, watch it! It’s so good!

 Baths – Lovely Bloodflow
This video is just plain pretty and has some of my favourite use of colour I’ve ever seen in a music video. The album Cerulean is out now and is super good. One of my favourites in 2010.

15 to 20 – The Phenomenal Handclap Band 
An extremely slick and stylish video that appears to pay tribute to 70s heist or getaway films (I wouldn’t know, I wasn’t alive back then). Whoops, I meant to write FART BARF UGH.

FOR YOUR EYES

This is extremely untimely and I would not be surprised if everyone has already seen this but it is hilarious!

Oh no, we are all dead from cuteness. Hi Angels!

So that’s all for now. Tell me how I did or any ideas you have to make this column better in the comments.

And, as always, R.I.P. your productivity.

Note: Please don’t get fired because of this. I’m serious. That would be terrible.

Godsauce Alters Today’s Family Circus

MONSTER FANTASY BASEBALL LEAGUE

Do you like Baseball?!? Do you have FANTASIES?!??
“I like baseball, AND I have fantasies!” -everyone
Good news!
Introducing the first ever Monster Fantasy Baseball League!
Here are the deetz: Right now there are 10 teams. If need be I can increase that number to 20. If you would be interested in joining, or have any questions about the league, please send an email to mfburghoff@gmail.com and I will send you an invite. This is a first come first serve basis so get on it! Also, this is a FREE league!! Overall this should be a lot of fun. Who doesn’t like a little friendly competition?
P.S. You are all going down.
P.S.S.

Just the Tip- Star Studded

Hello again, It’s time for (the elusive) Just the Tip.

This video has so many stars, so many heavy hitters promoting some rando local morning news show, I just can’t deal. In the spirit of the Oscars, I bring you:

Remember, don’t let those unposted videgum tips go to waste. Send them to me.

Hater’s Guide to the 83rd Academy Awards

Tonight, as you may be aware, the 83rd Academy Awardsceremony will be taking place in Hollywood, California. The Academy Awards,commonly referred to as “The Oscars,” are sort of like the Grammys but formovies. Every year a bunch of celebrities and industry types dress up in rentedclothing and jewelry #literally chosen for them by Rachael Zoe, sit in a largeauditorium, and masturbate their egos for 12 to 18 hours. Every couple of hourssomeone is given an award for excellence or other favorable trait then they godo something fancy afterward. It is a very exciting time! Millions of uninterestingpeople who live their lives vicariously through celebrities will be watching soyou probably should too in order to keep your water cooler banter sharp thisweek.
There really isn’t even one aspect of this thing NOT tohate. Since you likely need no help, I present here only a very small fractionof the reasons you’ll be hate watching.

The Red Carpet Coverage:I usually don’t like to make grandiose generalizations about theshortcomings of American society; I love to make them. Our obsession with wholooks hot or fug on their way into an auditorium though a corridor of bleachersfilled with screaming fans is basically why there are dudes in other countriestrying to blow our asses up. Thank you, Academy Awards.
The Presenters: ThisFranco/Hathaway paring is rather bizarre to me. Are they trying to skew young?Does everyone owe James Franco a favor? Anne Hathaway is funny? The numbersjust don’t add up. Plus, Franco is nominated for one of the top awards of thenight. Is he going to sneak into the crowd and take a seat for his category?Seems like a logistical nightmare.

Best Picture: Ihave only seen six Best Picture noms. That is like maybe half. I dunno, I lostcount because every fucking movie is nominated nowadays. Wait, what? No lovefor Yogi Bear in 3D? What a rip, my mom said Justin Timberlake was delightful!

127 Hours: Any film with the tagline “A Triumphant True Story” is bullshit. Danny Boyle is bullshit. The term “canyoneering” is bullshit. 

Black Swan: Only thing I remember about this movie is all the gross fingernail shots. Oh, and the trite plot.

The Fighter: Mark Wahlberg.

Inception: Everyone that watches this goes all pseudo-intellectual for like three days. I suppose that is an indictment of everyone and not necessarily of the film but I still blame it. My totem while navigating these conversations is a cyanide pill.

The Kids Are All Right: Celebrating a movie about a non-traditional family does not make you a better person. It only makes you a smug asshole person for thinking that.

The King’s Speech: Fa-f-f-f-fa-f-fucking b-b-ba-ba-b-b-boring. Also, How terrible was Timothy Spall is in this movie? He is so cartoonish and hacky it is unbelievable. Stupid ass Wormtail always be makin’ things worse.

The Social Network: Couldn’t care less whether or not Mark Zuckerberg stole Facebook. I don’t like Facebook. I don’t like rich people. I don’t like nerds. This movie was clearly not made with me in mind, very inconsiderate.

Toy Story 3: This is a children’s movie. Grow up!

True Grit: Unrealistically precocious youths are just unbearable. Do adults actually relate to these characters? I guess the stupid ones maybe.

Winter’s Bone: I do not even know one thing about this film but I am confident it has a lot less dicks in it than the title implies.

Best Director: “Thisfilm’s success is due to the hard work and dedication of hundreds of people andmillions if not tens of millions of dollars in financial backing but I’mtotally okay with taking all the credit.” – Theoretically great acceptance speechbone of these guys will say.
Darren Aronofsky: I get it; you like to use tight shots of people’sgross bodies. I’m pretty sure the next Wolverine film is going to just be twohours of skin peeling and ripping then healing.
Coen Brothers: Look, I’ll admit it, these dudes are kind of hard tohate on. That doesn’t mean I can’t question why it’s fair for a movie directedby twice as many people as its competitors to be nominated for the same award.That’s some BS.
David Fincher: Every frat bro’s fav director. Chug a BEAST if he wins.
Tom Hooper: Don’t know much about this dude. Only other things ofhis I’ve seen are John Adams and thatmovie about Brian Clough’s ugly suits. They were also quite a bore.
David O. Russell: I Huckabees (see also: Mark Wahlberg).
Best Actor/Actress,Best Supporting Actor/Actress: Here are my predictions. Colin Firth and hisnew botox face win Best Actor. Annette Benning wins Best Actress and makes atiresome political statement. Christian Bale wins Supporting Actor and 75% ofAmerican viewers say, “I didn’t know he was from England.” Helena Bonham Carterwins Supporting Actress and is whimsical.
Best Writing –Original Screenplay/Adapted Screenplay: These two awards kind of excite me becauseI hold out hope that one day the winners of Original Screenplay will start shitwith the winners of Adapted Screenplay. I mean, I totally would! Those unoriginallosers had source material!
Best AnimatedFeature: This category might actually be more
Best Foreign LanguageFilm: This category should be sponsored by Netflix because the winner willbe in everyone’s queue by 10:30 a.m. Monday.
Best Documentary –Feature, Best Documentary – Short Subject, Best Live Action Short Film, BestAnimated Short Film, Best Sound Editing, Best Sound Mixing, Best Art Direction,Best Cinematography, Best Makeup, Best Costume Design, Best Film Editing, BestVisual Effects:
Shut up, nerds!
Gwyneth Paltrow isperforming: Gwyneth Paltrow is performing.
Hope you don’t enjoy the show! If you have beef, let me knowwith a comment, an email to wwwestis@gmail.com, or a tweet @_wwwest.

I Like Music: My Friend Wallis

Hi everyone! As you can tell by the title of this post, I like music, and I’m assuming you guys do as well. So, if I find a new band during my vast e-travels that I think you might like, I’ll share it with you! Now doesn’t that sound nice.So anyways, My Friend Wallis. For my first post (GEEZ THIS IS MORE PRESSURE THAN I THOUGHT), I thought it would be good to start with a band from my hometown (sort of), good old Victoria. This band makes upbeat, energetic dream pop with a definite summery (word?) feel to it. For example:
That’s all for now. Thanks for joining me in this weird, kinda awkward mess. See you next time!P.S.: Support your fellow VGers and check out Andy’s Tea Party, featuring commenter The Wurst, and Dogs on Tour, with commenter Faviator. And while you’re at it, why not check out my older brother’s band The Accidentz. Thank you so much!

Godsauce Alters Today’s Family Circus

I’d Hit That: Jon Hamm


Annnnnnnnnnndddddddddddddddd………..WE’RE BACK! With a new banner determined by your votes. You like? Well, if you don’t get used to it because it’s sticking around!

I hope everyone enjoyed the special Oscar edition of “I’d Hit That” featured on Videogum!

Now let’s get to these week’s sexy beast. It’s none other than Jon Hamm. Another member of my Top 5.


In case you have been living under a rock and don’t know, Jon Hamm plays the incomparable Don Draper on Mad Men. Otherwise known as the sexiest man on TV. End of story. Don’t even try to argue with me on this one, because YOU. WILL. LOSE.

Sure Don Draper is a womanizing asshole, but he is also a complicated soul. He is debonair and masculine and he gets me all hot and bothered. Let’s peruse some Mad Men gifs and you tell me if you panties aren’t soaked by the time we are through…

First of all, I would like be a passenger is this car. I need to hatch a plan to make that happen.

Does anyone look hotter smoking a cigarettte than this man? The answer is “no.”

I would like to make Jon Hamm/Don Draper make this face in bed.

If he wants to have slap sex, I am not opposed to that.
don draper gif Pictures, Images and Photos

Last, but not least, I dream about Don Draper doing this to me. DREAM ABOUT IT!
Don Draper and Bobbi Barrett Pictures, Images and Photos

What’s the verdict? You don’t have to tell me. I already know.

Now that I have established that that Jon Hamm as Don Draper is the cat’s meow, let’s talk about Jon Hamm as Jon Hamm. What a dork, you guys…

BUT, that just makes him all the more desirable. I love a nice dork. Just a goofy guy I would love to hang out with and then end up making out with on the couch while we watch a movie.

Jon is also a really funny guy! We’ve seen him on Saturday Night Live and 30 Rock just killin’ it, making us laugh and giving us unnatural thoughts. Here is one of my favorite sketches from when he hosted SNL. I think it’s really silly and I love it!

Also, I like a man who can charge…

As if, we need more reasons to love Mr. Hamm, he is also really good at throwing a football. SO MANLY!

Let’s Review: Don Draper, hilarious fella and good with a football. Need I say more?

Anyone in particular you want to see me hit? Leave it in the comments, y’all!

GLAMOUR! with Kira! – Fashion Week Party Pics!

glamour

Oh, hello! Welcome to more GLAMOUR! with Kira! (Quickly, I want to apologize for how sloppy my posts are. I don’t understand how html works, or spacing, or writing in English, or Blogger, so I’m kind of at a loss. No matter what I do, my posts never look the way I think they are going to, always mysteriously for the worse. My embarrassing lack of web savvy to the contrary, I am a smart, attractive adult lady with many mildly amusing witticisms to share with you, so please stick with me, okay?)

 

How are you? I’m fine! How was your New York Fashion Week? Very good, right? So busy! Everyone knows that Fashion Week is, like, THE busiest time of the year for literally everyone in the world. Everyone in Iowa City, Iowa is straight up EXHAUSTED afterwards. Also Ubud, Bali, Indonesia. They are just plumb tuckered out from all the hustle bustle of what is unarguably the most important time of year.

One thing that makes NYFW (we’re abbreving it because we all know what I’m referring to, obvs) soooo exhausting is all the very glamorous parties, full of the coolest people, doing the funnest things. Because I’m a student of Glamour (working on my AA in Glamour Studies at University of Fanciness and Assorted Specialness), I checked out some photos of what are probably the very funnest parties, via Refinery29. Let’s check them out together and observe how The Other Better More Lovable/Loved/Attractive/Wealthy Half live, shall we?

WHOA. If Miss Leelee Sobieski (very famous Helen Hunt impersonator and performer in such films as…I don’t remember, but some films) is there, this MUST have been the place to be! Look at those tracers! That photographer must be trippin’ glamorous ballz on those designer drugs we always hear so much about!
The Pellegrino was fucking FLOWING at this party. Look at the guy in the plaid coat in the right. He is all hopped up on expensive Italian seltzer water. He’s peaking, Bro! And that Pellegrino dealer is all Smuggy Q. Smuggerson in the middle because he knows he has what the crowd is straight up clamoring for.
The lady standing in the banquette and pointing saucily is v. famous fashiony lady, Carine Roitfeld, who was the Editrix of Vogue Paris, or is or I don’t know. She’s a fancy lady. She is a very good example of how a lady can be French, rich and well-dressed and no one will even notice that she’s actually kind of scary looking, like a ghoul. Enchante’! She’s freaking out the grimacing dude in the lower right, which is understandable. Also, it’s very rude to stand in your seats in the US, but maybe in France the rules are different. Bon!
This picture makes me sad. This was the last party this stylish, dynamic baby attended before being bundled off to rehab for the 3rd time in as many trimesters. Seriously, this kid is like THE Enfant Terrible of the New York fashion world. Such a tragedy. It really just chews up the talent and spits them out, doesn’t it? This baby is high as shit right here. Heartbreaking.
Muppet carcasses, super hot for Spring ’11. Part of the whole Toddler Deee-lite Cover Band thing that everyone is so hot for.

This is from the Die Antwoord/Sprockets party. (Wish that was a real party that I was invited to.) The theme was “Come dressed like you’re in Griff’s gang of bullies from Back To The Future 2.”

 

 

This is Jeremy Scott. He designs clothes, I think. He is wearing a leather onesie, I think. Cool! Bet his crotch smells good! (Gross. Kira.)

 

Get out of my dreams, Handsome Intense Looking Fashion Guy, and into my car. (It’s a Prius! It has seat warmers!)

 

Hahahahaha I can’t stop laughing at this outfit! I start from the top and then by the time I make it to the bottom I am ready to start laughing at the top again! In New York this is v. fashiony, but round these parts that outfit is referred to as Laundry Day or Sexiest Woman At The Residential Hotel Downtown.

 

I haven’t got strong feelings about Blake Lively in general, aside from agreeing that she is lovely. (Someone, somewhere MUST have made a Lovely Lively headline/joke, right? If not, what the hell is even going on with journalism?) One thing I think we can all agree to feel strongly about is how much of a bummer her outfit is and how much we hope she is telling the Marchesa ladies that it sucks. The outfit is kind of Big Bird’s Barbarella fantasies meets Sharon Stone in “Casino.” I’m trying to imagine who this looks glamorous on but I’m drawing a blank.

 

This is me at work at my new business, Nakey Cakey. J/Ks!! FASHION!

 

The people in the crocheted body suits are Mr. and Mrs. Obama. They’re really into anarcho-fiber crafting, also super hip New York nightlife.

 

All hilarity aside (as if we could push aside this huge weight of hilarity!) this picture makes me so fucking annoyed. What is the point of this? I am not a jaded New York fashion person and even I find this completely stupid and whatever is the opposite of titillating. Look at the face of the lady in the top right. She’s like, “Really? Cool. You look so stupid.” The girl in the top left, on the other hand, is like, “You are SUCH a card!” She should shut up and stop encouraging him because that is fucking stupid.
So, there it was! The best of the pictures from the best parties during the best week of the year! Doesn’t it make you so jealous, like you want to be there??? Me, neither. Snoooooze. Makes my feet hurt and my ears ring just looking at these pictures. Feel free to peruse the rest of the slide show at your leisure. There are plenty of other photos that further reinforce the impression that NYFW is really stupid and boring. Thanks to Refinery57 or whatever they are called for living through so that we didn’t have to. You know what’s super hot for Spring 2011 in my house? Polar fleece pajamas. White hot.
Hope you have a lovely, luxurious, maribou-trimmed, time until we meet again, my little discarded gift bags.

Godsauce Alters Today’s Family Circus

Concert Addict’s Weekly Unused gif Round-Up

Even though I usually manage to fill the SNL and Thursday Night TV threads to overflowing with .gifs, there are always a ton left over that I just never get around to using. It’s really sad to let these gifs go to waste so I figured I would dump them (in no particular order) here on MOBFD for you all to enjoy.

These gifs were “found” all over the internet. Some may even have been made by me.




Portlandia


































































































































#moviepitch


This fall, a world famous cellist forms an unlikely partnership with a world famous pop star. Get ready for “Yo Yo Ga Ga.” – Huckabeast

80′s rock band summoned to ancient Greece, rocking the face that launched 1000 ships. Christina Hendricks IS “Van Halen of Troy” – Huckabeast

Small heroes have big adventures when a thrillseeking bug and her nephews find a legendary map in “Aunt Mantis’s Atlantis Atlas” – Huckabeast

Soda mogul finds minor Butthole Surfers hit song makes vegetables grow faster in “Dr. Pepper peppers peppers with ‘Pepper.’” – FrankLloydWrong

Steve was a normal guy, until a hunting accident left him with two bear arms on his right side. Support “The Right 2 Bear Arms.” – Topknot

A farmer’s dog loses his fortune gambling w/ old ladies at church but finds the meaning of friendship in “Bingo’s Bingo BINGO!” – TheKelBurrows

A pair of magic dentures brings two senior citizens, who both gave up on love, together. See Betty White in “Teeth for Two.” – FrankLloydWrong

An insane Manhattan woman gets more than she bargained for when she poses as prostitute in “The Loco Faux Ho of SoHo.” – Huckabeast

Octuplets enter a pie eating contest to raise awareness of racism. Shia LaBeouf in “Eight Ate Hate.” – FrankLloydWrong

A documentary on the hardships of having the worlds biggest appitite. Stunning actorial debut of k.d.lang in “Constant Cravings” – DirtySpaceNews


An indecisive talking vegetable struggles against an abundance of quicksand on his property in “The Fickle Pickle’s Sinkholes.” – Huckabeast

Journey to an alternate reality where George Washington became the White House janitor in “Washington Washing Tons.” – Topknot

Two cities have a madcap battle to see which one will garner the seat of power. Colin Firth in “Capital Capitol.” – FrankLloydWrong

A cinematic journey about a basketball superstar battling depression filled with cheap jokes “Low Brow LeBron Frowns” – TheKelBurrows

A South American president outlaws Tex-Mex cooking, so the locals turn it into dessert. George Lopez in “Chile’s Chilly Chili.” – FrankLloydWrong

a gifted band of South American llamas’ friendship is put to the test when they tour Mexico in “The Polka Alpakas of Acapulco.” – Huckabeast

An overboard sea-feline visits an old friend in Capsized Captain Cats Comes Calling – TheKelBurrows

Dwayne Johnson stars in an A-Team spinoff where, in a twist, HE’S hired to save one of the teams best. The Rock IS “Saving Face” – DirtySpaceNews

Scientists study the reproductive habits of tomatoes in the gripping docu-drama “To Mate a Tomato.” – Topknot

A flailing workout facility raises money by convincing Widespread Panic to host a fund raiser in Jim’s Gym Jamming Jamboree – TheKelBurrows

Citizens of Warsaw lobby over the possession of a recently departed Bishop’s antique staff. Dane Cook in “The Pole Poll Pole.” – FrankLloydWrong

The Prince of Wales and the Original James Kirk form an odd partnership to fine Buffalo’s football team in “Bills Bill Bills.” – Huckabeast

hard-nosed hot-sauce exec from upper NY bullies stubborn coin collector in Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo – TeacherMan

French-language film about a woman’s passion for puppetry. Marion Cotillard stars in “Marion et Marionette”. – Baby Friday

Documentary about the Boss’s crusade to get a juvenile offender out of jail in “Springsteen Springs Teen”. – Baby Friday

Romance blooms when an action star and a Scranton office worker populate seaside cottages in “Willis and Phillis Fill Villas.” – Huckabeast

Several female sheep from New Jersey abruptly circle a conifer in their car and return home in: Ewes Use “Youse”, U’s Yews – Patrick M

Lilith Fair Founder abandons music to open a store selling breakable timepieces in: Sarah McLachlan’s Ceramic Clock Land – Patrick M

The only way Jane will notice Tom is if he pretends to take her hostage. This summer’s most explosive Rom-Com: “Tom’s Bomb Con.” – Topknot

Documentary about the seedy world of underground staring contests in the Mexican navy. “I Eye, Aye Aye”. – Baby Friday

Their wedding draws eyes after the ladies betroth on a row boat, only to find it was all a dream: “Mary Merrily Marrys Mary” – DirtySpaceNews

A whimiscal “What if?” tale about an aged former Beatle opening a bathroom boutique. “John Lennon’s John Linen” – Baby Friday

Thrilling portrayal of a crossword contest that comes down to one difficult clue. “Little Riddle in the Middle” – Baby Friday

South African activist tells ballerina that they are both watching games with tied scores in: Tutu to tutu, “Two to two, too.” – Patrick M

A fun cartoon romp about a porcine math lover and his truck-driving adventures. “Big Rig Pig’s Trig” – Baby Friday

An entire South American country becomes afflicted with a annoying sounding throat disease in Venezuela’s Uvula Vuvuzela – TheKelBurrows

Jealous of her flawless skin, Manilow hides a movie starlet’s secret fruit elixir in “Barry Buries Berre’s Berries.” – Huckabeast

A young hot shot English teacher struggles to teach inner city students but can he learn to love again in “Educating Teacherman” – TheNarrator

A look at the leader of China’s unlikely popularity in this northern NM hippie hamlet: “Hu Jintao: Huge in Taos” – Topknot

Mix-ups turn to mayhem at Orly when labor strife blocks flights.  Paris Fuellers Day Off w/ Vin Diesel – TheDADBurrows (!!!)

Arcade Fire frontman disovers a knack for golf, but can only play when the weather cooperates in “Win Wins When Wind Ends.” – Huckabeast

Oh, man, I have a good #moviepitch tweet about Jean Baptiste Pierre Antoine de Monet, Chevalier de La Marck but it’s too long for Twitter :( – Patrick M

Sudanese ballplayer places short piece by German author in pet amphibian’s water, in: Manute Bol my-newt-bowls minute Böll – Patrick M

Jeff Edits The Wizard of Id, Horribly

FIN