Tonight, as you may be aware, the 83rd Academy Awardsceremony will be taking place in Hollywood, California. The Academy Awards,commonly referred to as “The Oscars,” are sort of like the Grammys but formovies. Every year a bunch of celebrities and industry types dress up in rentedclothing and jewelry #literally chosen for them by Rachael Zoe, sit in a largeauditorium, and masturbate their egos for 12 to 18 hours. Every couple of hourssomeone is given an award for excellence or other favorable trait then they godo something fancy afterward. It is a very exciting time! Millions of uninterestingpeople who live their lives vicariously through celebrities will be watching soyou probably should too in order to keep your water cooler banter sharp thisweek.
There really isn’t even one aspect of this thing NOT tohate. Since you likely need no help, I present here only a very small fractionof the reasons you’ll be hate watching.
The Red Carpet Coverage:I usually don’t like to make grandiose generalizations about theshortcomings of American society; I love to make them. Our obsession with wholooks hot or fug on their way into an auditorium though a corridor of bleachersfilled with screaming fans is basically why there are dudes in other countriestrying to blow our asses up. Thank you, Academy Awards.
The Presenters: ThisFranco/Hathaway paring is rather bizarre to me. Are they trying to skew young?Does everyone owe James Franco a favor? Anne Hathaway is funny? The numbersjust don’t add up. Plus, Franco is nominated for one of the top awards of thenight. Is he going to sneak into the crowd and take a seat for his category?Seems like a logistical nightmare.
Best Picture: Ihave only seen six Best Picture noms. That is like maybe half. I dunno, I lostcount because every fucking movie is nominated nowadays. Wait, what? No lovefor Yogi Bear in 3D? What a rip, my mom said Justin Timberlake was delightful!
127 Hours: Any film with the tagline “A Triumphant True Story” is bullshit. Danny Boyle is bullshit. The term “canyoneering” is bullshit.
Black Swan: Only thing I remember about this movie is all the gross fingernail shots. Oh, and the trite plot.
The Fighter: Mark Wahlberg.
Inception: Everyone that watches this goes all pseudo-intellectual for like three days. I suppose that is an indictment of everyone and not necessarily of the film but I still blame it. My totem while navigating these conversations is a cyanide pill.
The Kids Are All Right: Celebrating a movie about a non-traditional family does not make you a better person. It only makes you a smug asshole person for thinking that.
The King’s Speech: Fa-f-f-f-fa-f-fucking b-b-ba-ba-b-b-boring. Also, How terrible was Timothy Spall is in this movie? He is so cartoonish and hacky it is unbelievable. Stupid ass Wormtail always be makin’ things worse.
The Social Network: Couldn’t care less whether or not Mark Zuckerberg stole Facebook. I don’t like Facebook. I don’t like rich people. I don’t like nerds. This movie was clearly not made with me in mind, very inconsiderate.
Toy Story 3: This is a children’s movie. Grow up!
True Grit: Unrealistically precocious youths are just unbearable. Do adults actually relate to these characters? I guess the stupid ones maybe.
Winter’s Bone: I do not even know one thing about this film but I am confident it has a lot less dicks in it than the title implies.
Best Director: “Thisfilm’s success is due to the hard work and dedication of hundreds of people andmillions if not tens of millions of dollars in financial backing but I’mtotally okay with taking all the credit.” – Theoretically great acceptance speechbone of these guys will say.
Darren Aronofsky: I get it; you like to use tight shots of people’sgross bodies. I’m pretty sure the next Wolverine film is going to just be twohours of skin peeling and ripping then healing.
Coen Brothers: Look, I’ll admit it, these dudes are kind of hard tohate on. That doesn’t mean I can’t question why it’s fair for a movie directedby twice as many people as its competitors to be nominated for the same award.That’s some BS.
David Fincher: Every frat bro’s fav director. Chug a BEAST if he wins.
Tom Hooper: Don’t know much about this dude. Only other things ofhis I’ve seen are John Adams and thatmovie about Brian Clough’s ugly suits. They were also quite a bore.
David O. Russell: I ♥Huckabees (see also: Mark Wahlberg).
Best Actor/Actress,Best Supporting Actor/Actress: Here are my predictions. Colin Firth and hisnew botox face win Best Actor. Annette Benning wins Best Actress and makes atiresome political statement. Christian Bale wins Supporting Actor and 75% ofAmerican viewers say, “I didn’t know he was from England.” Helena Bonham Carterwins Supporting Actress and is whimsical.
Best Writing –Original Screenplay/Adapted Screenplay: These two awards kind of excite me becauseI hold out hope that one day the winners of Original Screenplay will start shitwith the winners of Adapted Screenplay. I mean, I totally would! Those unoriginallosers had source material!
Best AnimatedFeature: This category might actually be more
Best Foreign LanguageFilm: This category should be sponsored by Netflix because the winner willbe in everyone’s queue by 10:30 a.m. Monday.
Best Documentary –Feature, Best Documentary – Short Subject, Best Live Action Short Film, BestAnimated Short Film, Best Sound Editing, Best Sound Mixing, Best Art Direction,Best Cinematography, Best Makeup, Best Costume Design, Best Film Editing, BestVisual Effects:
Shut up, nerds!
Gwyneth Paltrow isperforming: Gwyneth Paltrow is performing.
Hope you don’t enjoy the show! If you have beef, let me knowwith a comment, an email to firstname.lastname@example.org, or a tweet @_wwwest.