Ummm … you guys. I think you should see this. I’m really worried. I woke up this morning to someone furiously ringing my doorbell. I got really freaked out (was a neighbor being murdered???) so I ran to answer the door. When I opened it, nobody was there. I immediately thought, “Who on earth would ding dong ditch me at 7am on a Saturday? There are some assholes afoot today.” But when I looked down, I saw something … alarming.
On my doorstep was a package. But it wasn’t a normal good times package. It was the size and shape of a football and seemed to be made of lunch meat and twine. The outermost layer was unnervingly rare roast beef. I peeled it off one slice at a time and tossed it aside. Under at least 6 ounces of that was a layer of honey roasted ham, followed by smoked turkey, followed by really thinly sliced roast chicken (the worst lunch meat).
The package in my hand got smaller and the pile of discarded lunchmeat at my feet got larger. What seemed like the core of this whole thing was a dozen or so slices of very crispy bacon. “How did this bacon stay so crisp in the midst of all this lunch meat?,” I thought. Despite the fact that it was bacon in the middle of a football-sized package of lunch meat that was abandoned on my doorstep, it smelled really good so I ate a few slices. As I ate my way through the bacon, though, something emerged. With growing horror I realized it was a .wmv and as I continued to eat the bacon, its terrifying contents revealed themselves: